West Ham Banter Archive January 08 2015

08 Jan 2015 12:43:50
Post navigation← Previous So much has changed, yet remains the same.
Posted on January 8, 2015 by Headmaster - 1 Comment ↓
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you haven't seen any of his stuff before, I hope that you agree with me, the post below is a real treat.
Introducing the wit of Mr Darren Harry, who has kindly offered this as a guest post.
Enjoy.
HM
Well, what a year that was. 2014 was certainly a tumultuous tidal wives of feelings from a supporting point of view. I won't plagiarise other pieces by documenting what we all knew happened, suffice to say 5-0 stuffing's Nott Forest and cricket scores racked up by Man city in the Semi-final, coupled with Sam cupping his ear, Nolan continuing to be the "driving force" in midfield and our Lord Lucan £15m striker all seemed to point to one inevitability in the summer.
But the Dave's are slightly different (in more ways than one). Credit where credit is due. Meetings of the heads of the families were organised, I'm sure lots of pasta sauces and horses heads were involved, but the upshot was that Allerdici was still felt to be a wise guy.
So another summer, another strange pre-season destination (hobbit land) and another injury for Lord Lucan. "De Ja Vu" we all cried, which I was sure I'd heard before.
Then the signings began. I'll be honest, I knew none of them. Heard of Cresswell, but I pay as much attention to the Championship as I do to Birds of a Feather. Jenkinson I'd seen torn apart at Manchester United once, so I was chuffed with him. as for the others, not a Scooby. I was about as impressed with these as I was the time I happened to be wandering along the Thames and saw a guy ( I was later told was David Blaine) sitting in a box above the Thames.
So then the season began. The new shirts looked lovely as the Dave's tried anything to engage with the past. However, the did engage too far with the past in the opening game, reverting to type and losing to the spuds. We played half decent though, and this made many fans very confused and angry. We were happy to boo when we lost and played rubbish, but losing and playing decent was a new one under the Allerdici era, and so that made me angrier, the fact that my route one anger had now been compromised.
By now God, Allah and Russell Brand decided 35,000 EastEnders had suffered enough. They met secretly in Swindon at a Little Chef and the details were thrashed out (not literally, though Brand was willing). It was agreed that the curse would be lifted, for at least 4 months. A prolonged period of carpet football with pace, passion and invention was concocted. Brand enquired if this this still involved Nolan as a captain, at which Allah LOL and God choked on his Latte "You 'avin a bubble?!" he coughed. Brand blushed.
There was a delay in the wish being delivered to Chadwell Heath (apparently it had been given to City Sprint to deliver who failed. God would have his revenge there too) but it finally made its way there on Sunday 14 September. The following day some of the fairy dust made its way onto Valencia's boot as he hit a shot at 347mph into the top corner at Hull. And so the wish bore fruit. The remainder of 2014 was a fuzzy, warm glow of Champions League aspirations. A cup exit was surprising, and Brand dialled into God and Allah that evening, but they pointed to the small print that did highlight cup wishes were excluded.
The potency of the wish ran out on Christmas day. God had other engagements, birthday party or something. Allah was otherwise engaged. Brand had no influence.
And so the decorations begin to come down. Some are boxed carefully and stored away, some are thrown out deemed surplus to requirements. Allerdici, thrifty by nature, refuses to throw things away until they no longer work, instead converting the old tinsel and baubles into other decorative items, and arranging them on the field for FA Cup games.
And so we find ourselves almost full circle.
Star players are either attending a party in Africa or receiving treatment. Song has since "retired" from international football, but as a Sinatra fan, I'm always suspicious of such public gestures.
Other players that have waited on the periphery, waiting for the opportunity, are now dismissed, at a time that would have been perfect for them to shine. Zarate encompasses to me, the fundamental ffailings in Allerdici's man management skills. Similar to Redknapp, once a grudge is held, the nose is cut off.
The ghosts of Christmas past are now finding themselves back on the field of play. JOB, Demel, Nolan, Jarvis, Vaz Te, Cole. I fear we will see all of them pressed into action in the coming weeks.
Lord Lucan is already dictating policy at the front. And if you've seen how his house is decorated, you'll agree it's not pretty.
The tools are arguably still there and the team has proved it can play in a different way, a way that can cause the opposition all kinds of different problems. But unless Allerdici has listened to the gods and taken heed of their gift, we'll be going back to the future. AGAIN! It all looks to familiar.
Happy new year, ya filthy animals.